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A day to remember

Today is a day to remember. Someone started this to honor all babies gone too soon and to make this silent grief a not so silent one anymore.

To let people know that I didn’t have a sad thing happen to me. My son died. My child. A life that I loved as much as all of my kids….I did not love him less because I didn’t get to see him live. I love all my kids the same 🙂

Losing a baby shouldn’t be a silent grief anymore. People should ask those grieving families how they are doing…. remember special dates…. Include their heaven children when writing a card. If my friends and family included Ryley and Timothy in everything too……it would make my heart smile.

Women…..of you have lost a baby, don’t be silent about your grief. If friends and family wont listen then start a blog. Get your story out there. Be candid about your struggles and hurts. It will help you but might help others as well. Don’t let anyone rush you through your grief and never be sorry for your tears!!

Timothy was born too soon 3.5 months ago. I should be delivering him in a month….but instead will probably be seeing his headstone getting put in and bringing flowers to his grave. I should be holding a newborn but my arms will be empty. It sucks but its my reality.

I praise GOD that He has literally carried me……and still is….through this. My son died. My heart is painfully raw but my God is GOOD and I will praise Him always…..in all things.

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Grave Marker

We are so close to getting Timothy’s grave marker put it. I can not wait to get that done and behind us. I pray to God that we NEVER have to pick out another child’s grave marker. Two is two too many already. :-/

Not so typical sad day….. missing my FIL

I was sad a bit yesterday. I had that cry lump in the back of my throat….but it was not for my baby. I thought about it and it was because I miss Matthew’s dad!! Crazy. I think all of the road trip stuff, seeing where Matthew grew up, looking at pictures of Matthew as a kid with his dad and seeing all of the pictures of his dad (we are organizing pictures right now) all stirred up his death.

I remember going out there when he got diagnosed, we had such a good visit. I remember he said to Janice “why did they come out now, i am not dead yet” which upset me, but he had just gotten the worst news you can possibly get. Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. They always say, do not google things….well I googled that cancer and it is the worst cancer. You typically do not catch it until it is too late. There are not really many symptoms. So he began treatments trying to fight it off for as long as possible.

This man was so strong. He got intense chemo treatments and continued WORKING!! He worked until he couldn’t get out of bed basically. He fought and died pretty privately, I did not hear of him complaining much and I admired his faith and his strength. I know that he had so many plans for the future, and I know how much he wanted to get to see his grandkids grow up…….he died far too young.

Cancer is such an evil ugly horrible thing. I think Matthews dad lived 14 months after diagnosis which is actually longer than the statistics tell you. The cancer and everything aged him so much. He went from a good size healthy man to a thing and frail…..looked like 80 year old man. It just broke my heart seeing the pictures from when Matthew and Hannah went out there for their very last visit with him. I can still see thosepictures in my head.

I am thankful for those moments that I got to spend with him and know him. I am thankful that I finally figured out his dry sense of humor….. I am thankful that I see his sense of humor come out in Matthew and it always makes me smile. I am thankful that Geoge raised such a fine younf man that I have the honor of spending my life with.

This picture is how I will always try to remember Matthews dad…… not the pictures towards the very end, these…… full of life, happy…. smiling…. I am so glad that we got to spend time with him and the kids got to love on him.

 

So a few weeks ago Matthew did a concert and was able to raise $1,000 for pancreatic cancer research and awareness. Just one small thing that he can do in honor of his dad and his memory. We will always miss George!! He died far too young.

Change

Losing a baby changes you so much. I feel like a different person. Two children in heaven and I am changed forever.
I am not very patient with people anymore. I am not so tolerant of ignorant behavior.
I am much pickier about my friends and learned who my true friends are. I learned what makes a true friend and have learned how I can be a better friend.
I have learned to give it all to God. I am not going to worry about my future. Life is too short for fear and anxiety.
I am less social now. I was already socially challenged and I am even more so now.
I am aware if my food choices now and am eating thyroid healthy foods to better my body in case God does bless us again.
I think overall I have made some good changes. I have also changed a little bit for the not so positive….but when the world has been unkind, I guess that’s what happens….I don’t know.

I am stronger now. I am more empathetic. I want to help people more….but rude inconsiderate people make me crazy…..

God is still working in me……three months since our son died…..so He may continue to change me for some time more from this heartbreak.. .

Loss changes you.

It changes you forever.

It is a silent grief.

Cling to God. He is good in ALL things. 

More trip

First of all excuse the typos….I am writing on my phone and its hard.

Seeing Matthews family was amazing. His uncle and aunt are crazy nice and fun. I am really going to miss them and their big sloppy dog. Such a doll.

I am not fond of Arizona. Sedona really is the gem of Arizona. The big red rock just took my breath away. It is everywhere. The chapel of the holy cross was stunning. The heat felt like my skin was boiling off. It was sick.

I was glad it rained at the grand canyon. It cooled it off a ton. The lightening was fantastic. It was a lot and just sky to ground again and again…..so so pretty.

We stopped at this chapel on the way to flagstaff. It was super small and oddly shaped but stunning. You walk in this little door and there’s benches and two tables. One with free christian books to take…..the other with a prayer request book. All over the wood walls people have written r.I.p.notes and prayers……all over the walls…..it was sobering….amazing…..we drove right past this place and I told Matthew it was picture worthy so he turned around and I was so glad he did.

Now we chill and work our way home. New Mexico tomorrow…..who knows what Saturday…..will be home Sunday night.

I will be glad to be home. I really love texas….finally more than I hate it. People are so nice in Texas.